The Hunt for Hugh Neutron
by ilovebotdf111
Summary: Hugh Neutron has been kidnapped, and Jimmy, Carl, and Sheen are in for the fight of their lives as they attempt to find him before all hope is lost.
1. The Beginning

Jimmy was flying through the air in his hovercraft, praying to Yah-weh they would get to the synagogue on time. They overslept this morning and they didn't have much time left to get to the temple. Today was Carl's bar mitzvah, and they were running late. Carl and Sheen had slept over at Jimmy's house the night before, and they spent the night watching live video feed of Cindy Vortex's room.

Sheen and Carl were in the back seat, screaming their lungs out. "Will you guys shut the fuck up!" Jimmy shouted, turning his head slightly towards them.

"But Jimmy, I left my yarmulke at Cindy's house!" Carl exclaimed.

"I'm screaming because Carl won't stop biting me!" Sheen shouted.

"Carl, why are you biting Sheen?" Jimmy asked, annoyed.

"Because it was Sheen's stupid idea to go to Cindy's house to ask if we could borrow her dad's copy of the Torah."

"The Vortex's aren't even Jewish!" exclaimed Jimmy.

"Yeah, tell that to Sheen," Carl said mockingly. He turned to Sheen and held him down, Sheen struggling and screaming. Carl bit his arm as hard as he could. The screaming continued unabated, and Jimmy started to fume with anger. Once Carl got into one of his biting-fits, there was no use trying to calm him down. The biting was an unpleasant side effect from when Jimmy turned Carl into a baby so Cindy could experience the joy of breastfeeding. The ensuing oral fixation has been an annoying and tenacious outcome that he couldn't seem to correct.

They reached the synagogue with three minutes to spare. They hopped out of the hovercraft and sprinted into the temple, where they were met with the stern eyes of Ebenezer Wheezer, Carl's father.

"Where have you been young man?" he said, grabbing Carl by the collar and shaking him about. "You've left barely any time to prepare yourself for the reading of the torah!"

"Dad, if I don't know it by now than I might as well not be here," Carl said. They proceeded to argue with each other, and Jimmy and Sheen grew bored. They leaned against a wall, waiting for the processions to begin.

"Christ, I hope this doesn't take too long," Jimmy began. "I have a date with Cindy this afternoon."

"Yeah, me too." Sheen said. They both started laughing.

"God, Cindy. What a slut," Jimmy said. Suddenly, Jimmy's pager started to buzz in his pocket, and the number was unfamiliar to him. He walked over to the reception desk and asked to use the phone.

"I'm sorry young man, but this phone is only to be used for temple business," the receptionist said. "I'm afraid I can't let you use it unless it's an emergency."

"Oh my God, just give me the phone you stupid bitch," said Jimmy, ripping it from it's holster. The receptionist moved to press the emergency button underneath the desk to alert security, but Sheen brandished his Ultra-Lord themed switch-blade and pointed it menacingly at her.

"It's an emergency," Sheen stated intensely, and the receptionist stopped dead in her tracks. Jimmy dialed the number. He heard the phone pick up, but there was no answer.

Annoyed, Jimmy said, "Hello? Who is this?"

A voice responded, sounding metallic and robotic: "James Isaac Neutron?"

Jimmy started to sweat nervously. He had never heard such a menacing voice before. "Yeah, that's me. What the hell do you want?"

"We have your father," the voice said nonchalantly. Suddenly, Jimmy could hear his father's voice.

"Jim-Jam! It's great here! They have free pie, and don't get me started on all the ducks!"

"Dad!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Dad, where the hell are you?"

The voice responded, "Five-million dollars. Two days. Candy Bar. Bring all the money or Hugh dies." Before Jimmy could reply, the voice hung up.

"Shit, Sheen. They took him… They took my dad!"

"Yeah I know," Sheen replied. "You're mom is running around the temple yelling that some scary dudes came and took your dad, and are demanding a huge amount of cash."

Jimmy spotted his mom in the main hall of the temple, screaming and crying. The bar mitzvah had begun, and she had interrupted it. Jimmy ran up to her. "Mom, don't worry, I'm gonna find dad and bring him back home. Nothing bad is gonna happen to him!"

"Oh Jimmy, please don't go! I couldn't bear to see you get hurt!"

"I have to do this mom, or else they'll just come back and make our lives a living hell." He turned to Carl, who was standing at the podium picking his nose. "Carl, I need you more than ever now. We need to find my dad quickly, or he might die."

"But Jimmy, I haven't finished reading-" Carl was cut off by his father, who grabbed his son by the shoulders and shook him around.

"Carl, your friend is in need," he began. "Yah-weh will forgive you for postponing this blessed moment if it's for such a noble cause as this. We will continue this in the future. But right now, Jimmy needs you. Hugh needs you!" The crowd began to clap and cheer at Ebenezer's courageous remarks.

"I love you dad!" Carl exclaimed. Ebenezer wiped a tear from his eyes and began to lean forward to hug his son. Carl instead kissed his dad right on the lips and bit them clean off. Blood gushed from Ebenezer's mouth as he screamed in agony, and everyone in the temple started to scream in terror. Carl happily wiped the blood from his mouth and joined Jimmy and Sheen as they went outside to the hovercraft.

"We need to go to Cindy's house," Jimmy said. "Since she lives across the street from me, she may have seen what happened." They sped off to the Vortex residence and knocked on the door.

Before anyone answered the door, Carl asked, "Hey Jimmy. Now that you're dad's dead, can I fuck your mom?" Before Jimmy could answer, Cindy swung the door open. Their eyes immediately gravitated to her disproportionately large boobs. Like some of the other girls in her grade, Cindy has started to go through puberty, making her develop voluptuous breasts while the rest of her body seemed to be growing slowly.

"What do you dweebs want?" She snapped angrily, before adding a syrupy, "Oh, hey Carl." Not only had she grown quite attached to him during the breastfeeding fiasco, but she couldn't help but notice his embarrassingly large penis that was always bulging from his tight pants. Puberty was treating Carl well, and the girls were noticing. Carl was a hot commodity, and was even more sought after than Nick Dean. But Carl still devoted life to Llamas, and bore no interest in vaginas.

Jimmy finally ripped his eyes from her huge tits and said, "Hey Cindy. Did you by any chance see people break into my home and violently kidnap my father?"

"No. Don't you think that I would call the cops if I saw something like that?"

"No," Jimmy replied. "I don't think you would, you fucking little bitch."

Cindy let out a sigh. "Yeah, all right, I saw it. They went that way, and looked like maybe they were heading towards McSpanky's."

"Thanks," the guys all replied in unison, and as they all turned to leave, Cindy flashed her tits at them and closed the door.

"Jeez, that Cindy. What a little slut," Sheen said. "Hey Jimmy, we better head to McSpanky's before they get away."

They all piled into Jimmy's hovercraft and made their way to McSpanky's. Jimmy prayed that Hugh was all right. He knew that these next two days would be dangerous, but little did he know that he was in for the fight of his life.


	2. The Warehouse

"Look! There's McSpanky's!" Carl screamed, pointing excitedly to the restaurant as if he had found Hugh himself.

Jimmy lowered the hovercraft into the parking lot. "Okay guys, what's the plan?"

Sheen shrugged. "You're asking us? Aren't you supposed to be the boy genius?"

"Yeah Jimmy," Carl said, hopping out of the hovercraft. "I think asking Sheen would just get us all killed." He turned and started walking towards the restaurant.

"Carl, where the hell are you going?" Jimmy shouted at him.

"I'm hungry!"

"We don't know who's in there. Cindy said that the people that took my dad could be here," Jimmy and Sheen jumped down from the hovercraft and ran up to Carl. "Look guys, I think our best plan is to stake out the restaurant. See if anyone suspicious enters or exits the place."

"Everybody that goes to McSpanky's looks suspicious," Sheen said. "That's part of it's charm. You don't know whether you're in the company of upstanding tax-payers or serial rapists, fresh off the hunt."

Jimmy and Carl stared confusedly at Sheen. "What kind of McSpanky's have you been going to?" Jimmy asked.

Carl opened the door and walked into the restaurant nonchalantly. Jimmy, startled, shouted at him, "Carl! What the fuck are you doing? We haven't come up with a plan yet!"

Sheen followed in Carl's footsteps. "Listen Jimmy, this is better than sitting out in the parking lot watching people like perverts."

Carl walked up to the cashier. "Welcome to McSpanky's," the cashier said in a bored tone. "How can I help ya?"

"Oh man, it all looks so good," Carl began. "I'll have two double cheeseburgers, a McSpanky burger - actually, make that two McSpanky burgers and one double - no, just give me two of each - no, actually, I'll have three McSpanky burgers and 2 double cheeseburgers -"

The cashier began to fume with impatience, his face turning red. "Hey kid! Why don't you pick a fucking burger and stick with it!"

Carl didn't hear him, he was too busy rambling off his order. Jimmy went up to Carl and said, "Carl, will you hurry the fuck up?" and added with a whisper, "You're drawing too much attention to us."

Carl nodded. "Alright, I'll just have one of everything please."

"On a diet are we?" the cashier said with disdain. "Alright, that'll be two-hundred bucks, fatass."

Carl replied with innocence, "Oh, I don't have any money. My friend here will pay for me." He pointed to Sheen.

"What the fuck, Carl!" Sheen shouted.

"Sheen, everyone knows that your dad is the head of the cartel," Carl replied.

Sheen grumbled and whipped two crisp hundred dollar bills out of his wallet and slapped them on the counter. " _You_ can go fuck yourself," he said sternly to Carl.

"I'm not gay," Carl replied innocently, turning to the cashier. "Hey, did you happen to see a bunch of shady guys come into the restaurant with some big-nosed guy? Jimmy's slut of a neighbor told us that they brought him here."

"Carl!" Jimmy shouted, shocked that he would just blow their cover like that.

"If I answer you will you leave the fucking restaurant?" the cashier asked.

"Yeah, after I eat my food," Carl said.

The cashier let out a sigh. "No, no one's been in the restaurant, but I saw a bunch of creepy-looking characters drag someone out of a van and take him into the warehouse across the street. That's where the trucks unload food for all the restaurants on this block."

"Wow, that was much more helpful than expected," Jimmy thought to himself, slightly amused. "Well guys, we better get moving," he said, dragging Carl and Sheen out of the restaurant.

"But what about my food!" Carl wailed.

"You can eat something in the warehouse if you're that fucking hungry," Jimmy replied. "Besides, it wouldn't have taken that cashier long to figure out that Sheen paid with Ultra-Lord money."

"What a waste of perfectly good Ultra-funds!" Sheen lamented. "I was going to use them to pay Cindy for sexual favors!"

They ran across the street to the warehouse. There was nothing remotely suspicious about it, and that's why it was so suspicious. They ran around back and tried to open the back door, but a chain and a padlock was keeping them from entry.

"Carl, can you try to bite through the padlock?" Jimmy asked.

"Are you crazy? That'll break my teeth!"

Jimmy whipped out an aerosol can and held it out with extreme satisfaction. "Yeah, great, some air freshener," Sheen said. "That's gonna be a lot of help when I have to take a fucking shit."

"You fucking assholes," Jimmy began. "This is my latest invention: Titanium spray! It makes anything as hard as… well, titanium. So, if I spray Carl's mouth with this, his teeth will be able to break through the padlock."

Without letting Carl say anything, Jimmy grabbed him and emptied the entire can into his mouth. Carl's eyes were watering and he was gasping for air, his eyes nearly bulging out of his skull.

"Um, just give it a second," Jimmy said.

After fourteen minutes, Carl was able to function somewhat normally again, but now he had a shiny pair of titanium teeth. "You owe me one Jimmy!" Carl said before biting the padlock, snapping it in two. They unraveled the chain from the handle and opened the door, running inside. There was nothing suspicious in the main area, just a bunch of food for the restaurants.

Carl was out of breath. "Say, Jimmy, what the hell was in that stuff?"

"Oh, nothing immediately harmful," Jimmy replied.

"Oh, okay, that's good."

"I mean, it just increased your chance of developing breast cancer by thirty-fold," Jimmy walked past Carl and opened a door to a stairwell. "Oh, yeah, and also impotency."

"Well I guess if that's it, then there's nothing to be worried about." They all ran down the stairs, and they found themselves going deeper and deeper into the dark recesses of the warehouse.

They reached the basement level. Jimmy slowly opened the door just enough so he could peer through. "Holy shit," he thought. It was a large, cavernous room, almost as big as the main area. Around thirty men dressed in riot gear were scattered around, each minding their own business. Most were armed with some sort of weapon, be it a taser, pistol, or baseball bat. Some were playing cards, others were reading, but none were abusing Hugh Neutron, who sat happily in the corner watching duck documentaries on TV. Jimmy was relieved that he wasn't hurt.

Jimmy turned to Carl and Sheen, who were both sweating bullets. "Guys, this is fucking bad," Jimmy said.

Sheen replied, "Jimmy, I think we should get the fuck out of here and come back when we're better pre-" Sheen was cut off by a loud, obnoxious, llama-themed ringtone. It was coming from Carl's pocket.

The goons in the next room all stood up, aiming their weapons towards the door that the sound was coming from. They grabbed Hugh and moved him out of the room, but Jimmy couldn't see where they took him. Jimmy ripped Carl's cellphone out of his pocket and smashed it on the ground. "Since when did you have a fucking cellphone?"

"My dad gave it to me for emergencies!" Carl replied nervously.

They heard a voice from the other room. "You can't fucking hide anymore. We heard you. There's no sense waiting for the inevitable. Come on out." The boys knew that they had no choice. Slowly, Jimmy opened the door, and they walked out with their hands up.

The same voice said, "So, did you bring us our money?"


	3. Rumble in the Warehouse

"Well, are you just gonna stand there," the voice said, " Or are you gonna show us the goods?" Jimmy and his friends were shocked, so much so that they couldn't bring themselves to say anything. The owner of the voice was a familiar one. It was a voice that the entire school knew fondly.

It was the voice of Nick Dean.

Nick walked up to Jimmy, pointing a gun at his face. Nick was covered in body armor and his face was masked by a balaclava, so Jimmy couldn't see the face of his nemesis, but the voice was unmistakable. He looked much taller than Jimmy remembered, but then again, it's been a few years since he'd seen him. No doubt puberty has started to have its desired effect.

Suddenly Jimmy felt his brains scramble as Nick whipped him in the temple with his pistol. Jimmy collapsed on the ground, the room spinning, his vision giving out. Carl and Sheen let out a worried yell, and attempted to come to his aid, but Nick flashed the pistol at them, stopping them dead in their tracks. Nick's goons started chuckling, pleased at the display of bravado.

"Now," Nick said, "I'm not gonna say it again. Which one of you faggots has the money?"

Carl replied, "Does it look like we've been carrying around five-million dollars on us? I couldn't even afford to pay for my McSpanky's!"

Nick let out a sinister chuckle. "Well, you're all truly lucky that you still have a day left until the deadline. After that, Jimmy's dad is fucking toast." The goons started to laugh maniacally, and Nick felt pleased with himself. "That being said, I can't just let you guys walk out of here unscathed. I'm afraid I'm going to have to make an example out of one of you." Nick immediately grabbed Sheen by the throat and thrusted him against a wall. Carl dove for Nick, but was swiftly kicked to the ground with monstrous force.

Sheen was struggling as hard as he could, but couldn't break free. Nick pointed the pistol at the wall, right next to Sheen's ear. "This will teach you guys not to waste our fucking time!" Nick shouted, but before he could pull the trigger, he was interrupted by Jimmy.

"Just one minute!" Jimmy shouted, his head still in immense pain. "If you're going to punish anyone, punish me!"

Nick smiled. "Not a bad idea, nerdtron," Nick let go of Sheen, who fell to the ground coughing. The goons created a circle around Jimmy and Nick, neglecting Sheen and Carl, who were lying in pain on the ground. Nick slammed Jimmy onto the ground, and pointed the gun next to his ear, just as he did with Sheen. "I hope you're good at reading lips, nerdtron," Nick said smugly, "because you can kiss your hearing goodbye!" The goons all began to yell excitedly.

"Just one more thing," Jimmy said.

Nick, annoyed, replied, "What the fuck is it?"

Jimmy cracked a sly smile and said, "Say hi to your sister's cunt for me." Nick, confused, let go of Jimmy for a split second before hearing the sound of an aerosol can.

Nick looked down to see a titanium fist hurtle straight into Nick's arm, snapping it in two, sending both bone fragments and the pistol flying through the air. Nick let out a bloodcurdling scream, and as the pistol collided with the ground, it shot off a round straight into the nearest goon's face, ejecting his eyeballs out of his skull.

In the momentary confusion, Carl took the opportunity to force himself up from the ground and dive for one of the goons, biting into his neck with his titanium teeth. He ripped the goon's carotid artery right out of his neck, causing streams of blood to splatter the surrounding area.

The crowd of goons composed themselves and launched their attack, while Nick took the opportunity to hobble out of the warehouse to safety. Three groups of ten split up and went after each individual boy. Sheen got up off of the ground and evaded oncoming blows, screaming "This is fucking insane! Even Ultra-Lord didn't have to fight ten against one! We could really use a fucking brain blast right about now, Jimmy!"

Sheen was right, but they didn't need a brain blast. They needed a fucking miracle. One of the goons swiped for Jimmy's head with a sledgehammer, barely missing his mark. While the assailant was momentarily off guard, Jimmy brought his titanium fist crashing into his rib cage, punching a hole clean through his chest. The goon dropped like a sack of bricks. Jimmy smiled and looked at his titanium fist. "Oh yeah!" he shouted, "Cindy's gonna love this motherfucker!" He leapt over the dead body and brought his fist crashing down onto the helmet of another enemy, crushing his skull like a watermelon.

Meanwhile, Sheen was left to fend for himself with no titanium fist or teeth. He resorted to running around the warehouse, as that's all he could do to evade the deadly blows aimed at him. "Jimmy! I can't take much more of this!" Suddenly, Carl came crashing through the crowd of goons chasing after Sheen, sending them flying and slamming into the concrete pavement, shattering bones and breaking necks. "Carl! Holy shit!"

Carl was covered in buckets of blood. Sheen looked over to where Carl had been fighting his group of goons. They were all torn to bloody smithereens. "Don't worry Sheen! I got your back!" Carl said optimistically, right before a towering hulk of a man grabbed him with one hand and threw him like a ragdoll into a pile of cinderblocks, sending dust and debris flying everywhere.

"BUY. ME. FOOD!" The hulking goon screamed at the top of his lungs, shattering windows with the frequency of his voice. Sheen let out a terrified scream and ran as fast as he could, but the massive man was able to make up the distance with one stride of his legs. He swiped at Sheen with one massive hand, sending him hurling into a pile of used condoms.

"Oh… Oh what the fuck!" Sheen screamed as he crawled out of the pile of rubbers. "What the hell is this place?" He looked over at Jimmy, who still had eight goons after him. He was in trouble, and Sheen needed to help somehow. But just as soon as Sheen got himself out of his pile of condoms, the hulking goon sprinted towards him ferociously. "God fucking damn it!" Sheen yelled as the beast picked him up and sent him hurtling towards Jimmy, knocking over the boy genius.

The crowd of goons descended on the two boys, beating them viciously. "I'm into BDSM but this is just fucking crazy!" Sheen exclaimed as he desperately tried to protect his head from the multitude of blows. Jimmy thought that perhaps this was the end of the road. He failed his dad. He would never be able to see him, or his mom, or that little slut Cindy ever again.

A feminine yell pierced through the warehouse. The goons stopped beating the two boys on the ground and were surprised by Cindy Vortex, unleashing an onslaught of karate kicks on the combatants. While Cindy was not strong enough to do any real damage, she was a good enough distraction for Jimmy to force himself off the ground and let fly a devastating right hook, crushing the throats of two opponents. As they coughed up blood and crumpled to the ground, they dropped their weapons, which Sheen greedily scooped up. With two rubber sledges in each hand, Sheen dove onto the nearest screaming enemy and bashed his eyes into his skull.

There were seven goons left, including the massive monstrosity that was currently busy trying to tear Cindy a new meat wallet. Jimmy and Sheen were struggling for breath. They didn't know how they could go on after taking that beating, and they both felt they were going to collapse. Cindy let out a scream as the giant picked her up and began to stretch her limbs out, attempting to rip her arms off. "Nerdtron! Do something! Help!" Cindy screamed. But the goons wouldn't let Sheen or Jimmy near, and it looked as though this were the end for Cindy Vortex, Retroville's greatest ride. A goon lifted a massive axe above his head and let out a scream as he brought it down with immense force, aiming directly for Jimmy's face. Jimmy closed his eyes, praying his death would be quick.

Suddenly, an ear-shattering gunshot rang throughout the warehouse, and the axe-wielding goon's face erupted off of his skull as his body and weapon dropped to the ground immediately, the axe barely missing the tip of Jimmy's nose. Then there was another gunshot. Then another. And another. One by one the goon's were dropping like flies, blood and flesh being strewn throughout the vicinity, screams of death deafening Jimmy's ears.

Jimmy looked at the towering monstrosity. It no longer was tugging at Cindy like a ragdoll, but was instead clutching at his neck, where blood was pouring out. He dropped Cindy onto the ground, who fell with a thud onto the concrete. The beast turned to gaze upon his victor, and it was none other than a badly beaten Carl Wheezer. Carl dropped the gun to the ground and watched as the hulk of a man collapsed onto the ground, blood pooling around him. The fight was over, and miraculously the gang had survived.

"We… We're alive?" Jimmy said. "We're actually fucking alive!" He spun around and kissed Cindy passionately on the mouth. "Oh my God, I could fucking kiss you!"

"You already did, Shit-tron!" Cindy replied, annoyed. Carl walked over to them, clutching his arm, which was badly bruised. Cindy went up to him and kissed him at length, making Jimmy envious. "Oh Carl, where'd you find that… lethal weapon?" Cindy said, licking her lips and grabbing onto Carl's monstrous bulge in his trousers.

"Nick Dean dropped it. I don't know why one of us didn't pick it up sooner!" Carl said.

"Hey, what about me?" Sheen asked. "I fought valiantly! Don't I deserve a reward?" Cindy rolled her eyes and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Sheen frustratingly accepted the gesture.

The gang stumbled out of the warehouse, piling into the hovercraft, when suddenly a police officer pulled up. "Hey kids, we've heard about a disturbance in the warehouse. Anything fishy going on in there?" He look at the battered and bloodied kids suspiciously.

"No." Carl replied meekly.

"Okay, thanks for your time," the cop replied, getting back into his vehicle and driving away. The gang flew away from the gruesome scene, feeling more alive than ever.

"Hey Cindy," Jimmy began. "You know, I gotta ask. How did you know where to find us, and why did you even come?"

"You guys don't think that I'm gonna let my best customers die on me, do you?" Cindy replied.

"No, I guess we… wait, customers? What do you mean?"

"That's right, you guys are gonna have to start paying me for my… services." Cindy replied smugly. Carl and Sheen let out a laugh and pushed Cindy down to the floor of the hovercraft, taking turns using her holes. Although Cindy made it look like she was unhappy by this, she never felt more at peace.

Jimmy, on the other hand, was plagued by thoughts of his father. Today was a victory, but just barely. And who knows what torture Nick Dean will subject Hugh to now that this hullabaloo took place? Jimmy knew that if he didn't find his father soon, he would never see him again. So this left Jimmy with two options. Either they go looking straight for Hugh like they did this time, or they find a way to conjure up the five million dollars.

Either way, their adventure was just beginning.


	4. The Transformation

Jimmy landed the hovercraft in his front yard. Seeing his house made him feel immensely upset, knowing that Hugh was nowhere inside. The gang walked inside and found Judy baking countless pies, which she always did when she felt anxious.

"Oh, hey boys!" Judy said, trying to keep up a happy facade. "Oh, and Cindy. Still a little slut, are we?"

Cindy rolled her eyes arrogantly and took a seat next to Carl, who was already wolfing down pie as if his life depended on it. "Hey Cindy, are you going to finish that pie?" Carl mumbled, pointing at her vagina. Jimmy couldn't help but let out a chuckle as Sheen and Carl started to laugh boisterously.

"Will you pea-brains quit it!" Cindy shouted. "You guys drive me nuts! I can't believe that I came to help you guys during the fight."

"The _fight?"_ Judy exclaimed, dropping a hot pie onto Sheen's lap. "James Isaac Neutron, did you boys get into a fight!" Sheen was lying on the ground screaming, his penis scalded beyond measure as the hot filling seeped through his jeans. No one paid any attention to his throes.

Jimmy went to the fridge and got a purple flurp. "Yeah mom, it's not a big deal. It's nothing that we couldn't handle. No one got hurt."

"Oh yeah? And what happened to your hand?"

Jimmy quickly stuffed his titanium hand into his pocket and gave a sheepish grin. "Oh, that's nothing," he spun around to Carl, who was busy ogling Judy's breasts. "Carl, help me out here," he whispered in a harsh tone.

"Oh yeah Mrs. Neutron, it was nothing," Carl said nonchalantly. "Yeah, there was around thirty of them, all of them armed to the teeth." Jimmy put his face in his hands as Carl stood up on the table, flexing his arms and trying to impress Judy. "These chickens were all terrified, but I wasn't. That's right. I rushed right at them. I took them all on myself! I ripped them limb from limb and ate their flesh. I've never felt more alive!"

"Carl, shut the fuck up!" Jimmy shouted, but he paid no attention.

"It's not easy, taking another man's life, Judy. But I was concerned for my friends safety. I had to protect them." He took Judy's hand and kissed it sensually. "I did what I had to do. One of the men begged me to spare him as he was bleeding out on the floor. I paid him no attention. I caved his head in with my own hands. They all had to pay for putting my friends' life in danger."

"Alright Carl, I've heard enough," Judy said, trying to pull herself away from Carl. But she was shocked at his immense strength, and couldn't free herself from his grasp. Underneath his fat there must've been rock-hard muscle, coating him like a suit of armor. Judy blushed, and almost gave in to the desires that she kept secret from the world for years.

"Judy, I _want_ you. More than anything else in the world," Carl said passionately.

Judy tried to respond. "Carl, I… I want-" Judy was interrupted by Jimmy crashing his titanium fist into Carl's face, sending him rocketing through the wall. "Jimmy! What the hell did you do!" Judy exclaimed.

Jimmy stepped through the gaping hole in the wall. "Don't worry mom, he's fine. Go dry yourself off." Judy, embarrassed, started crying and ran upstairs, slamming the bedroom door. Jimmy walked over to Carl's lifeless body, propped against the entrance to the laboratory.

"Jesus nerd-tron, don't you think you went a little too far?" Cindy said as she joined him. "Poor Carl, what did he do wrong?"

Jimmy pushed a button on the side of the entrance that opened up a trap-door leading to the laboratory. Jimmy threw Carl's body down into it, and he heard a loud crash as it made contact with the concrete. Jimmy held the door to the laboratory open for Cindy, and said, "What's the use of finding my dad if Carl replaces him? I can't have that happen. Plus, I can't have my mom go to prison for pedophilia. It's fucking disgusting."

"Yeah, but did you have to kill him?"

"Calm down. He's not dead," Jimmy said, as he stepped out of the elevator into the lab. He walked over to Carl's body, it's head battered open and brains leaking out onto the cement.

"Oh really?" Cindy said mockingly. "He's not dead? Look at him! He's more dead than Goddard!" That remark stung Jimmy deeply. It's true, Goddard was dead, and it was all his fault. One day, when Jimmy and Cindy were having a particularly kinky sexcapade, Goddard walked in on them and couldn't help himself - he joined in. But it was too much for the little robot to bear, and the moisture and juices caused his circuits to go haywire. He self-destructed as he climaxed, and there was no saving him.

Jimmy snapped himself out of the painful memory. "Yeah… Yeah, but he's not gonna be dead for long. Just trust me." Jimmy dragged Carl's lifeless body into a pod-like machine, and slammed the door shut. Brilliant white light radiated from the contraption, and smoke poured out of the interior.

"Oh shit. Is that supposed to happen?" Jimmy asked himself, shielding his eyes from the blinding light. Suddenly, screams of pain emanated from the machine, shattering their ear drums.

"Jesus Neutron, you have to stop this!" Cindy dove for the power switch, but Jimmy tackled her.

"If you press that switch, Carl is gone for good! We just have to wait it out!" And, as if on queue, the contraption had finished its process, and the screaming had subsided. The door slid open, and smoke poured out into the laboratory.

"Carl?" Jimmy said, squinting his eyes, trying to see through the smoke. "Carl?" Jimmy walked up to the machine, and was shocked to find no one there. Jimmy fell to his knees. He failed. Just as he lost Goddard, he had now lost his best friend. Jimmy was racked with guilt, and began to weep, and Cindy followed suit.

"I wish I was a llama in a great big llama world."

Jimmy got up, spinning around happily. "Carl, it's you!" But Jimmy was shocked by who he saw.

"That's right Jimmy! Why's everyone crying?" But Jimmy and Cindy were too shocked to answer. The person before them was Carl, that's true, but looked nothing like him. The man in front of them was at least thirty, ripped and muscular, and stark naked. His dazzlingly green eyes cut a path through the smoke directly into their souls. His biceps could be used to crack walnuts, and gone was the curly red hair. His scalp was clean-shaven, and his face covered in thick black stubble. The one thing that didn't change was his voice, which was both a comfort and a shock.

"Jimmy, what the hell happened?" Cindy asked, desperately trying to control her lust.

"I… I don't know. The machine must have sped up the aging process. Carl still has the brain of a fifth grader, but biologically he's in his thirties."

Sheen suddenly entered the lab, holding onto his crotch, obviously in pain. "Hey Jimmy, do you have an invention that can cure third-degree burns?" Sheen stopped dead in his tracks. "Who the fuck is this guy?"

"Sheen, don't you recognize me? It's me, Carl! Why is everyone acting so weird?"

"Carl, you're fucking hot!" Sheen exclaimed. He picked up an expensive device on a shelf and smashed it on the ground. He picked up a reflective shard of glass and held it up to Carl.

Carl shrugged nonchalantly. "What can I say, I always knew that this was the real me. I'm not surprised." Carl sat down next to Cindy, who couldn't stop staring at his massive member. "So, what are we going to do about Hugh?"

Everybody snapped out of their trance. "Oh yeah, that's right, Jimmy's dad is about to be murdered unless we get five-million big ones," Sheen said. "Well, I think it's safe to say that your dad is fucking dead Jimmy. Anyone wanna go to the Candy Bar?"

Carl raised his hand excitedly, and suddenly Jimmy got an idea. "Wait, Carl, you're an adult now. And you're ripped," Jimmy stood up and started to walk around the room. "You could easily rob a bank for us!"

"Are you crazy! My mom would kill me!"

"Carl, how else are we going to make five-million dollars?"

"Sheen can sell his Ultra-Lord antiques!" Upon hearing this, Sheen dove for Carl's neck, who easily swiped him off with one motion, sending Sheen flying across the room.

"That's not going to happen," Jimmy said. "Listen, I'll be the brains, you be the brawn! It's easy! I'll come up with the plan, you do the rest."

"I hate to agree with Nerd-tron," Cindy began, "But he's right. This is the only way."

Carl started shaking nervously. "Well, alright, but I'm not happy about it!"

Jimmy smiled and started rubbing his hands together excitedly. "Alright, let's get planning!"


	5. Money Makes the World Go Round

"Hi there, welcome to First Retroville Bank," the teller said to Carl, as he walked in with his burlap sack with a dollar sign on it and a black mask covering his face. Carl was relieved to see that the place was totally empty besides the happy teller. "What can I do for you this evening? That's a really cute costume!"

Carl whipped out a walkie-talkie, and, without bothering to lower his voice, said, "Jimmy, what do I do now? I can't rob this bank all by myself. The security is way too tight!"

"Oh, isn't that just the coolest thing! I love heist movies!" the teller said excitedly.

Jimmy's finally replied, "Carl, just demand that she gives you five-million dollars."

"Uh, okay Jimmy, I'll try," Carl said nervously. He approached the teller, throwing the burlap sack at her face. She let out a laugh and looked like she was having the time of her life. "Now… Now put the money in the bag!" Carl demanded. "I-I don't want to hurt you, but if you don't put all the money in there, I'm gonna go wild!"

The teller jovially did as she was told, and asked, "So what's the occasion mister? Do you have an expensive date tonight or something?" She let out an ear-shattering laugh, and Carl started to grow impatient. Finally, the teller handed over the burlap sack. Carl attempted to wrestle it from her hand, but she wouldn't let go. "No no no, mister!" she said. "You can have your money if you give me a kiss."

Carl, scowling, whipped out his walkie-talkie. "Jimmy, what do I do? She won't give me the money unless I give her a kiss."

Jimmy let out a sigh and replied, "Just give her the fucking kiss then, dumb-ass." Carl let out a defeated sigh. He looked at the teller, who was excitedly inching her face closer to his, puckering her lips. It wasn't that she was unattractive - in fact, she was quite pretty - but Carl never liked to mix business with pleasure. He dejectedly removed his mask, revealing his gorgeous face, and gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

Seemingly satisfied, the teller let go of the bag and waved him goodbye, giggling. Carl put his mask back on his face before he opened the door. But, when he did so, the teller caught his attention again. "Oh, excuse me sir! Can you come back here a minute!" Carl let out a sigh and slowly walked back inside.

"What is it? I have to go do something," Carl said, frustrated.

The teller cracked a sly smile, and pointed upwards. Carl looked up and was greeted with a camera looking right at him. "I've got your face on tape," the teller said. "When you removed your mask to kiss me, the camera caught it crystal clear."

Carl started to panic. "Oh, that… that was clever," Carl said, letting out a nervous chuckle. "So, uh... what are you gonna do?"

"I filled the sack up with explosive dye packs," the teller began, keeping her smile on her face. "If you open it up, your handsome face will be purple for a long time. I also only put like fifty bucks in there. What kind of dumbass are you, thinking that we keep five-million dollars up here in the front of the house?"

Jimmy's voice butted in over the walkie-talkie. "Carl! Carl! What's going on? Stick to the plan, just stick to the plan!"

Carl, defeated, answered, "She's got my face Jimmy. She's got my face!"

Jimmy responded, "Oh, I guess we should've thought about that, huh?"

Carl let out another long sigh, and asked the teller, "Well, what do you want?"

"Well," she said as she sat up onto the counter, spreading her legs so Carl could see that she wasn't wearing any underpants. "You can fuck me right here if you want. Out in the open, if you're into that. Then we can go in the back and watch the tape together and go for round two. I'll get rid of the tape after that." Carl just stared at her, not saying anything. "Oh, come on big boy... Don't you wanna have some fun? It's better than going to prison."

Carl took off his mask, and she saw that there were tears in his beautiful green eyes. She was almost hypnotized by them. "It's not that," Carl began. "It's… I've promised to save myself for the one I truly love. You see, her name is Judy. I've loved her ever since I was a child. I would never do anything to hurt her." Carl looked right at her, fire in his eyes. "I would rather die than betray her." He spun around and walked out of the door.

Jimmy ran up to him from across the street. "So, did you get the money?"

Carl, threw the sack into a trashcan next to him. "No. No, I didn't."

"Carl! If we don't get five-million dollars, Nick Dean is gonna kill my fucking dad!" Jimmy exclaimed. "We only have until tomorrow! We planned everything out. You're the only one that can rob that bank!" Suddenly, Jimmy's cell phone began to ring. He flipped it open and asked who it was.

"Five-million bucks. Don't forget. Tonight, at the Candy Bar. Five-million bucks."

"Tonight!" Jimmy exclaimed. "Nick, you piece of shit! You said we had a day left!"

"That was before you punched my arm off and killed thirty of my men! Now, you have until tonight. Ten o' clock. Or Hugh fucking dies!" Nick hung up immediately after his spiel.

"You hear that Carl?" Jimmy asked, staring angrily at him. "That means we only have eight hours. Eight hours to get five-million dollars. Now get the fuck back in there, and do what we planned."

"I," Carl stammered. "I can't do it Jimmy."

"If you don't go in there and get the fucking money, I won't ever let you see Judy ever again. You hear me!"

Carl immediately sprinted across the street, kicking open the door and ravaging the bank teller for an hour. Suddenly, he heard police sirens in the distance. He ripped his penis from inside of the teller and shouted, "What the hell did you do!"

"When you left, I called the cops! I didn't know you would come back; I had to!" she said. "Come to think of it, they sure took their sweet -"

Carl picked her up, roaring like a gorilla and threw her against a wall, knocking her out cold. Jimmy's voice came through on the walkie-talkie. "Carl, we've got cops coming in! Please tell me you have the money!"

Carl had no time to answer as suddenly dozens of swat vans pulled up in front of the bank, with two helicopters overhead. "Come out with your hands up! We have you surrounded! If you do not comply, we will use lethal force!"

Jimmy, viewing the action from across the street, knew he had to do something. But his plan had gone horribly awry, and knew that not only was Carl's life in danger, but Hugh was as good as dead without him. Jimmy knew that there was only one way they could survive this: He needed a brainblast.


	6. The Heist

"I'm only going to say this one more time," the police chief shouted through a megaphone. "If you do not comply, we are authorized to take lethal action. You have thirty seconds to comply." Jimmy stared on in horror as more and more police cars and swat vans stormed onto the scene, surrounding the bank in its entirety. There was no way that Carl would survive this, no matter how ripped and handsome he was. "Ten seconds! Come out now or we will shoot!"

Jimmy shouted into his walkie-talkie, "Carl, take cover, quickly!" As soon as the boy genius finished his sentence, a barrage of bullets ripped through the bank as if it were paper. Carl dove behind the teller desk, covering his head as debris flew around him.

Jimmy knew that he couldn't try to stop the cops, there were simply too many of them, and with the helicopters overhead, Carl would be dead in a matter of minutes. But he couldn't stand idly by and do nothing - no, he needed to whip up a brainblast and fast. Jimmy squated down low to the ground and put his fingers on his temples, closing his eyes in concentration. Jimmy hadn't had a brainblast in months, ever since he and Cindy were fooling around with some electrodes during foreplay. When Jimmy climaxed, the intensity of his orgasm mixed with the shock of the electrodes led to sensory overload, which resulted in the overstimulation of his frontal lobe. Jimmy was effectively disabled for weeks, but he eventually regained all motor and neurological functions - all except for his beloved brain blasts. "Think, think, think!" Jimmy kept shouting at the top of his lungs. He was so loud that he caught the attention of two cops, who stopped firing and ran over to him.

One of the cops shouted, "Hey kid, you need to evacuate the area immediately, it's way too dangerous right now." Jimmy paid no attention to him, and kept shouting his mantra. The cop grew unreasonably angry. "Kid! If you don't leave the premises now I will be forced to take you into custody!" But Jimmy acted as though the cop didn't exist. Fuming with anger, the cop shouted, "Alright you little shit! You're coming with me!"

He grabbed Jimmy's hand, ripping it from his temple. Jimmy's bloodshot eyes flew open as he was ripped from his trance. "Okay," Jimmy shouted angrily, "I'll show you a brainblast!" The cop didn't have time to react as Jimmy's titanium fist plowed into his cheekbone, sending his head hurtling into a trashcan. The other cop was blinded by the spray of blood erupting from his partner's neck, and Jimmy seized the opportunity to steal his shotgun, blowing a hole through his chest. The recoil of the gun sent Jimmy flying directly into the cops' line of fire, forcing them to cease their barrage.

"Who the hell is this little faggot?" a police officer shouted, and shocked gasps rang out amongst the crowd of policemen.

"Hey man," replied the officer standing next to him. "That's not cool; they prefer to be called little people." The officer walked over to Jimmy, who was lying face down and was covered in blood. "Hey guys, how much paperwork would we have to do if we… you know… killed a kid?"

The officer who had just previously shown a dislike for the homosexual community replied nervously, "That's probably a whole page's worth." He spun around spoke to the crowd of officers directly. "Alright, here's what we're gonna do. Officer Abdalrahman and I are gonna take care of this kid and look around to see what happened. I want three groups of five to split up and enter the bank from three different locations: the front, the side, and the back. When you find the perp, take him out by any means necessary."

Carl was in an obviously dire situation. Jimmy's blunder bought him enough time to find the vault, but it was locked shut, and there's no way that Carl's titanium teeth would be able to bite through it. The only way that he could survive is if they abandoned the mission, which was now a complete impossibility as he could hear the heavy footsteps of armed SWAT officers entering the bank on all sides. He was, for lack of a better term, absolutely fucked.

Carl spun around and desperately looked for a hiding spot. His only option was to cram himself into the janitor's closet and prayed for a miracle. In the darkness of the closet, he could hear the footsteps converge on the vault, directly in front of the closet. Carl's heart was racing, and he fought to hold his breath so he wouldn't make a sound.

"Where the fuck is he?" he heard one policeman shout.

"I don't know, he must've escaped!"

"That's impossible! He was surrounded on all sides! He's gotta be here somewhere."

"The only place he could be is that janitor's closet." Carl almost passed out from fear when he heard this statement and the ensuing sound of fifteen policemen all taking up positions, pointing their guns directly at his hiding place.

"Alright buddy! You have nowhere to go now, either come out with your hands up, or we'll blow you to fucking smithereens!" A police officer shouted. Carl didn't reply, and he could hear the policeman walk up to the door and put his hand on the knob. "Alright asshole, if that's the way it's going to be, then I guess-"

Suddenly, the police officer let out a bloodcurdling scream, and Carl heard a heavy thud. "Jesus!" an officer shouted. "What the hell happened?"

"It looks like he had a heart attack!"

"Are we still gonna open the closet?"

"I think we have to, but we have to get him out of here first. You five, get him out of here and put him in an ambulance. Tell the sergeant what happened. We'll handle this."

Carl listened nervously as the five officers dragged the body away from the closet, and another police officer put his hand on the knob of the door. "Alright, well, you heard the other guy. We're gonna, like, try to arrest you now," the officer said.

The door swung open, and brilliant fluorescent light blinded Carl's eyes. "Get up asshole!" the officer shouted, pointing his rifle at his face.

"I didn't mean to do this! I didn't want to rob the bank, it wasn't my idea!" Carl pleaded.

"Well, by the looks of it, you didn't even rob anything," the cop replied. "That being said, we had to drag an unconscious naked girl out of here, so you'll have to answer to that, you sick fuck." The cops crowded into the closet and handcuffed Carl, proceeding to drag him away from the vault.

"That's not what it looked like," Carl said meekly.

"I'm sure it wasn't," the officer responded. "Muscular guy in his thirties, forcing himself onto a pretty young girl, assaulting her when she refused… that's definitely not what it looks like."

Tears welled in Carl's eyes. "No, you don't understand! My friend Jimmy made me have sex with her because if I didn't Nick Dean would kill his dad!" As they stepped outside, Carl caught a glimpse of Jimmy lying face down on the pavement, surrounded by cops. "That's - that's him! That's my friend Jimmy. Ask him, he'll tell you the truth."

The cops let out a chuckle as they approached the paddywagon. "I think that kid is dead," an officer replied. "He practically dove right in front of our gunfire. Which is a relief honestly, because it turns out he killed two of our officers. That'll save lots of time doing paperwork."

Suddenly, the paddywagon erupted into a ball of flame, sending Carl and the officers sprawling back onto the concrete. The fireball created by the blast was enough to blind the pilot of one of the helicopters, causing it to crash on top of multiple cars and officers in a brilliant explosion. One of the officers went careening into the side of a van, shattering his scapula and dropping his rifle. Carl was dazed and confused, but saw two blurry figures out of the corner of his eye. One of them dropped a rocket launcher and picked up the dropped rifle, proceeding to fire on the cops hovering around Jimmy.

"Carl! Get the fuck up!" Cindy shouted as she shook his hulking body, helping him recover his senses. She took out a pair of metal clippers and cut the handcuffs off of him.

"Cindy? What the hell is going on?" He looked around, observing the chaos surrounding him. He saw Sheen fire upon a crowd of cops that were attempting to converge on their location. Jimmy nonchalantly got to his feet and sprinted over to Carl.

"Jimmy? You're not dead!" Carl exclaimed, grabbing Jimmy and putting him in a tight bear hug.

"Carl get off of me, you smell like shit," Jimmy replied. "Of course I'm not dead. I was just laying there because they would arrest me if I got up. Those idiots didn't even check my pulse."

"Yeah, but did they check to see if you were alive or not?" Carl replied.

"Alright guys," Jimmy began, not acknowledging Carl's idiotic question. "Things obviously haven't gone according to plan,"

"It was a shitty plan to begin with!" Sheen shouted over the gunfire. "What kind of plan is 'walk into bank - steal money'? Great plan, boy genius!"

Jimmy replied, "Well, look, Carl hasn't been arrested and I'm not dead, so we still have a shot at this." Jimmy excitedly pointed his finger at Carl. "Carl, the fundamental plan hasn't changed. I'm still the brain, you're still the brawn. We're gonna steal the money while Sheen and Cindy keep the cops off of our asses!"

"Alright Jimmy, but I think you should know that having sex with the teller made me very uncomfortable," Carl meekly replied.

Jimmy paid no attention to the reply and slapped his hands together. "Alright guys. Let's fucking get the money and save my dad!" Carl and Jimmy sprinted into the bank and headed directly towards the vault. Cindy and Sheen followed suit, but held their position at the front entrance. It wasn't long before countless waves of cops started to arrive.

"Jimmy," Carl began nervously. "How are we supposed to open that vault? There's no way that we can blast it open!"

"Have you checked to see if it was locked?" Jimmy replied, attempting to spin the vault's wheel lock open. It didn't budge. "Shit!" Jimmy exclaimed.

" _This_ is a boy genius?" Cindy shouted mockingly from the front of the bank as she took cover behind from a volley of bullets. "Hurry up and get that vault open! Sheen and I can't hold them off forever."

"Shit, we can't even hold them off _now_ ," Sheen said nervously as his rifle ran out of ammo. The cops took the opportunity to swarm the entrance, piling into the bank.

"Carl, go help Cindy and Sheen hold them off!" Jimmy shouted.

"But I thought you wanted me to help you open the vault."

"That was plan B. This is plan C," Jimmy said, sweating bullets. "Now fucking go! I need time to figure this out. Hold them off!"

"Well, alright Jimmy. But if I die before I ever got a chance to ride Judy, I'm gonna be very upset." Carl turned and sprinted towards the entrance, tackling three cops that were pointing their guns at Sheen and Cindy.

"About time! We're sitting ducks out here," Sheen shouted as he ran from an officer brandishing a cattle-prod. Cindy was holding her own against the overwhelming police opposition. All those years of karate lessons came in handy, and she had built up an admirable pain tolerance from the copious amounts of crazy BDSM sex that she's had. Two cops attempted to grab her, but she jumped up and kicked one in the nose with her steel-tipped boots. Blood erupted from his nostrils and he collapsed on the ground with a loud scream. The second cop, astonished at the ferociousness of his little opponent, whipped out a taser and shot Cindy right in her breasts. The 50,000 volts, which usually would've been enough to kill a girl of her size, didn't even phase her. She let out a vicious yell as she ripped the electrodes from her body and jumped on top of the officer, stabbing him in the eyes with the electrodes. He screamed in agony as smoke poured from his eyes until he finally fell unconscious.

Carl was preoccupied with a group of six officers, all brandishing their pistols. Although Carl was now essentially a block of solid muscle, he still had a walnut brain and was incredibly frightened. Although he killed many people back at the warehouse, most of them weren't armed with firearms, allowing Carl to rip them to shreds. But this was different. One false move, and he'd never be able to jerk off to Judy again.

"Alright muscle man," an officer said. "This is where you die!" The officer fired a bullet directly at Carl's mouth. In an instant, Carl bared his teeth in a frightened grimace, allowing the bullet to ricochet off of his titanium teeth. The officer sprayed a fine mist of blood from his mouth as his bullet was returned to him, ripping through his Adam's apple. He clutched onto his neck with his hand, dropping his pistol before lifelessly flopping onto the ground in a pool of blood.

The remaining officers prepared to fire a volley of lead at Carl before one of them shouted, "Don't shoot at him! He can reflect our bullets back at us!"

"I didn't mean to do it!" Carl exclaimed innocently. "If my mom finds out that I killed a police officer, she'll be mildly upset. And I can't handle that!"

"Then tell your friends to stop resisting and come with us willingly!"

Carl shrugged innocently. "Alright, I'll tell them." Carl turned around to go talk to Jimmy, and a cop seized the opportunity to smack Carl as hard as he could in the back of his head with his nightstick. Suddenly, a primal rage that was locked away deep inside Carl's intestines was unleashed, and he turned around and grabbed his assailant by the throat. The other cops watched in horror as Carl lifted up the struggling officer and ripped off his face in one deft movement. The officer, still alive, screamed in agony before being hurled like a ragdoll at a wall, exploding his head against the plaster.

The officers screamed as Carl charged like a raging bull towards them. Carl grabbed a screaming officer and swung him by his legs towards another. Their two heads collided at an astonishing velocity, breaking both of their necks and killing them instantly. He turned towards another officer, who was paralyzed with fear.

"Don't… don't you fucking come near me!" His pleas fell on deaf ears as Carl pinned him against a wall, thrusting his hand into his chest cavity and ripping out one of his ribs. The cop let out a bloodcurdling scream that was swiftly silenced by Carl violently stabbing the rib into the officer's throat.

Jimmy nervously looked around the corner to observe the carnage that was ensuing. He saw Carl tear wave upon wave of officers limb from limb, pounding them into a bloody pulp. He locked eyes with Sheen and Cindy, who were ducked down beneath the front counter, having taken cover when Carl launched into his rampage. Cindy mouthed the words "Help us". There was no telling whether Carl would attack any of them during his bloodlust. Carl had lost control of his body, and while he was proving to be a fairly useful weapon against the officers, he might prove to be just as effective at tearing their fifth-grade bodies asunder.

"Jesus Christ! Fall back! Fall back!" an officer shouted after watching his partner be force-fed his own cock. The crowd of officers turned and fled out of the bank, running as fast as they possibly could. Unluckily for them, Carl gave chase. Jimmy could hear screams of agony in the distance as Carl evidently continued to demolish the police forces.

"Guys, quickly, before he comes back!" Jimmy said, waving for his friends to come over to him.

"What in the actual fuck was that?" Cindy said exasperatedly.

Sheen walked up to Jimmy and stared at the vault. "Jesus, who knew that it wasn't the cops we'd have to worry about. It was fucking Carl."

"Maybe," Jimmy began. "Maybe the machine that made him horrifically ripped affected his amygdala in an… unfavorable way."

"Look," Cindy said sternly. "Let's just get this bitch open and get out of here before Carl comes back and tears us to shreds!"

Jimmy put his face in his hands. "I've been trying to think of a way to open it, but I can't. The steel is too thick, we can't blast it open."

"Did you try checking to see if it was open?" Sheen asked.

"Yes, and it's locked, of course. I don't know why I thought that would work." Cindy walked up to the wheel lock and spun it to the left. Jimmy was shocked to hear the disengaging of the locking mechanisms, and to see the vault slowly jaunt open. "How- how the hell did you do that?"

"You fucking idiot. It's lefty-loosy, righty tighty!" Cindy said.

"Oh," Jimmy said ashamedly.

"You know Jimmy," Sheen began. "Lately you've been like… don't take this the wrong way… an absolute fucking mongoloid moron."

"Well what are the fucking odds that it would just happen to be unlocked?"

"Let's not argue about that!" Cindy said. "Let's just hurry up and grab the money so we can leave. Please."

Jimmy let out a defeated sigh and grunted as he pulled the heavy vault door open. A brilliant, golden light shone out of the vault. "It's… It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," Sheen stated, wiping away a tear. "It's beautiful."

"No it's not," Jimmy replied. "It's fucking empty!"


	7. Talk of the Town

Judy was masturbating furiously in the living room, fantasizing about her beloved Hugh when suddenly she broke down in tears. She was beginning to think that she'd never get to see her husband ever again. She couldn't shake the feeling that Hugh was already dead, and that there was nothing Jimmy and his friends could do. Judy's tears continued to flow, but she decided to turn on the television to try and calm her nerves.

"-fucking fifth graders killed hundreds of cops today!" the flustered news reporter screamed into his microphone. He looked sweaty and disheveled, as if he hadn't slept in days. "I'm not kidding. People think I'm crazy, but I just saw two fucking boys and some girl get into a hovercraft and fly away like a fucking big-ass bird. And they were going like - yeah they were like going really fast."

Judy's eyes widened in shock as she heard the news, and she suddenly felt like she was going to pass out. There was no doubt in her mind that the reporter was talking about Jimmy. What other fifth grader could rob a bank and murder hundreds of cops?

"I-I didn't take my bipolar medication this morning, and-and I'm having a bit of a manic episode here," the reporter shouted. "Yeah like, like, you know… my wife told me to, and she slapped me really hard, and I just started crying… like a goddamn baby-" Judy turned off the TV when she heard the front door open.

"James Isaac Neutron!" Judy shouted as Jimmy, Sheen, and Cindy walked into the kitchen dejectedly. "Did you and your friends rob a bank? How could you do this!"

"What do you mean 'how could I do this'?" Jimmy shouted back, annoyed. "Nick Dean is gonna kill dad if I don't get five-million dollars… by 10 'o'clock tonight."

"10 'o'clock!" Judy screamed, shocked. "Well… well, please tell me you at least got the money, that all those cops didn't die for nothing. That Hugh won't die for nothing."

Sheen whipped open the fridge nonchalantly and grabbed a purple flurp. "Yeah, about that Mrs. Neutron. The vault was completely empty. Looks like Hugh is fucking dead, so there's no use crying about-" Sheen was interrupted by Cindy slapping him in the face.

An awkward silence filled the room, and Jimmy looked over at the clock above Hugh's treasured picture of him playing Jesus Christ in a passion-play. The picture showed Hugh being crucified, but more importantly, the clock said that it was 6:30. Sheen let out a giggle, quipping, "That's probably what's happening to your dad right now Jimmy, but they're using real nails and instead of Jews it's a highly-funded military organization."

Jimmy was about to let Sheen get a taste of his titanium fist when the phone started ringing. He walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello? Who is it?"

"Is this James Isaac Neutron, son of Judy and Hugh Neutron?"

"Uh, yeah, that's me." Jimmy said suspiciously.

"Yeah, I have your father here with me-"

Upon hearing this, Jimmy became mad with rage. "If this is one of Nick Dean's loverboys, tell him I'll fucking get his money to him by ten. Otherwise, fuck off!"

Before Jimmy could slam the phone down, the man chimed in, "Young man! This is principal Willoughby! I ought to suspend you for such foul language!"

"Principal Willoughby? What the hell are you doing with my dad?"

"Your dad's been here for a few hours. He said that you were supposed to meet him for the talent show tonight. You two are scheduled to do an act. You better hurry, the show starts at 7!"

"What?" Jimmy said, confused. Principal Willoughby had met his parents before at a parent-teacher conference. When Ms. Foul was talking to the parents, Principal Willoughby walked in and tried to be a badass by handing out shots of vodka to the parents. The children watched in horror as the inebriated parents dogpiled each other in a shocking BDSM orgy that spanned most of the night. When the district found out about this unfortunate incident, principal Willoughby was put on probation and mysteriously disappeared. Frankly, it was shocking to hear his voice.

"Oh, here, your father wants to talk to you."

Jimmy could hear talking and shuffling, and the phone was passed on. "Jimmy?"

"Carl? What the hell's going on? What happened?"

"I don't know! I can't remember much of the bank heist. I kind of… woke up here at the school, and everyone's getting ready for the talent show. And, well, something happened with one of the contestants and they needed another act, and they asked me if I knew anyone!"

Jimmy fumed with rage. "Carl, what the fuck! My dad is going to be executed by his own cock if we don't get the money to Nick Dean on time! Why in God's name would you sign us up for an act? Why would you say you're my dad?"

"Jimmy, quit shouting! I'm under a lot of pressure, I'm sorry." Jimmy could hear Carl sniffling and holding back tears. "But, you need to get hear quick. The talent show starts in fifteen minutes!"

"Fine," Jimmy let out a sigh and rubbed his eyes. "I'll be there in five minutes, but as soon as we're done, we leave. Got it?" Jimmy slammed the phone down, and walked out the door without taking a moment to explain the situation to anyone.

Five minutes later Jimmy was running up the steps into his school. He could hear the obnoxious sound of electronic bass blaring from the direction of the auditorium. Jimmy walked in and saw that hundreds of people - parents, friends, dates, and the town rapist - were all bustling around, trying to get their snacks and drinks and find their seats. Jimmy suddenly felt sick and anxious; this would be the first time he's performed in front of anybody, let alone a crowd of three hundred people. To add insult to injury, he had no idea what kind of peabrain bullshit Carl said they were going to do for their act.

He turned towards the stage and walked up the short set of steps up onto it. Principal Willoughby came out and walked up to the microphone, announcing that the show would start in five minutes. He guided Jimmy backstage when suddenly Carl, with tears in his eyes, tackled Jimmy and gave him a bear hug. "Oh Jimmy! Thank God you came, I'm so nervous."

Jimmy pushed him off and asked harshly, "Carl, what did you sign us up for? We don't have time for this crap."

"I-I… Well, I said you and I were going to-"

"Hey Jimmy!" Betty Quinlan interrupted suddenly to Carl's dismay. "I can't wait to see what you're doing tonight for the show! I bet it's going to be," Betty brought Jimmy close and grabbed his asscheeks, "Erotic."

Jimmy's face turned to the shade of a dark rose. "Oh! Well, it's not gonna be anything special. Probably just some singing. And some dancing. We'll probably do some jumps in there somewhere, some cartwheels. Probably."

"Probably? Didn't you guys rehearse?"

"Well," Carl chimed in, "No, not exactly, that's why I need to tell Jimmy what we're-"

"Eww! Who the fuck are you?" Betty said, shocked.

"I'm Carl Wheezer. We're in the same class."

"Bullshit! Carl is big, round, and beautiful, and you're shredded like a block of cheese. A block of thirty-year-old cheese. And bald!"

"Y-yeah, that's what people tell me. But I really need to talk to Jimmy-" Carl was cut off by a dimming of the lights, and principal Willoughby walked up to the microphone.

"Wow! That's a lot of people! Who's ready for some fun?" Willoughby shouted obnoxiously. The crowd roared with excitement. "Alright, we've got a lot of sweet young boys ready to grab your hearts and squeeze 'em tonight. For two hours, you will be entertained by Retroville's brightest kids!"

"Two hours?" Jimmy whispered in shock. "This fucking thing will end at 9 o' clock. When do we do our act?"

"Uhh, last." Carl answered meekly. Jimmy spun around and gave him a death stare, and Carl almost defecated from a mixture of fright and anxiety.

"Don't worry boys," Betty said. "I'm sure you'll do fine. It's an honor going last. You just have to have fun with it."

"And now, please welcome to the stage our first act: the beautiful ,the succulent, the sensual - Betty Quinlan!"

"Well, wish me luck," she said, giving a giggle and blowing a kiss to Jimmy before flicking Carl off and walking confidently on stage. She grabbed the mic. "Today, I'll be singing one of my originals. It's called Ain't No Lovin' My Man." The crowd roared in excitement as the music started playing and Betty started singing.

Jimmy looked over to Carl, who had a look of absolute rage on his face. "That utter cunt… I can't believe it, she stole my song."

"Carl, calm down. We can still win this talent show if you just tell me what we're doing-"

Carl slapped Jimmy in the face. "Shut up! It's not about winning. Not anymore." Carl walked dejectedly out of the back-stage door. Jimmy didn't pursue him; it was best to let him cool off.

The crowd roared. The cheers were so deafening that they gave Jimmy tinnitus, and Betty Quinlan walked off stage towards him, holding a rose that was thrown to her from the crowd. Jimmy cleared his throat. "Wow, Betty. You really knocked their socks off."

Betty giggled and smelled the rose. "Did you know that roses symbolize love?"

Jimmy crossed his arms embarrassedly. "Uh, no, actually. I don't really have a green thumb."

Betty smiled. "Yeah, roses were connected with Aphrodite in ancient times. She was the goddess of love."

Jimmy cringed. He always wanted to sodomize Betty, but he didn't want to call down Cindy's thunder. It was well known that Betty and Cindy hated each other, and if Cindy found out that Jimmy fooled around with Betty, hell would break loose. "Look, Betty. You seem like a really nice girl, but I'm kind of seeing someone else right now."

"Are you a fag, Neutron?" Betty said sternly.

"What? No-no… we prefer to be called little people-" Suddenly, Betty grabbed Jimmy by his wrists and dragged him into the backstage restroom. "Betty! Please, I just want to watch the show! Butch is up next, and I hear he's doing card tricks! Fucking card tricks!"

Jimmy was powerless as Betty ripped off his pants. Betty licked her lips and was crazed with sexual passion. She pinned Jimmy face down on the dirty bathroom floor. "Betty, please, don't do this!" Betty shoved the rose up Jimmy's rectum, and he let out a bloodcurdling scream.

Carl was moping outside of the backstage entrance when he heard the scream. "What the… that sounded like Jimmy!" Carl sprinted backstage and into the bathroom, where he was met with the sight of Jimmy bent over, covered in bodily fluids and Betty fumbling as she tried to get her pants back on.

"You're a little late to the party, pervert." She went up to Carl, spat in his face, and walked out the bathroom door. Carl didn't react. He was fixated on Jimmy, who had been used beyond belief.

"Jimmy," Carl said, his voice shaking and trying to clear his throat. "Are you… alright?" Jimmy didn't say anything and tried to stand up, and Carl rushed to his side. "Don't try to get up. Take your time," A tear started flowing down Carl's cheek. "I'm sorry Jimmy. I'm just so sorry. I should've been here. I shouldn't have gotten angry at Betty for using my song. That wasn't important. You're my best friend Jimmy. Please forgive me." Carl began to wheep.

"Carl, shut the fuck up, I'm fine." Jimmy said after a while.

"What?"

"I'm fine. That was some of the best sex I've ever fucking had. I'm just a little dazed over it."

"Oh, well… well, I'll let you get dressed then." Carl stood up awkwardly and walked out, and a stage hand came up to him.

"Sir, you and your son are up next, please get ready."

"Up next? What time is it?"

"It's almost nine. You're the last act," she gave Carl a pat on the shoulder. "Break a leg, and remember to have fun with it!"

Carl turned around to go warn Jimmy, but he saw him standing there outside the bathroom door. "So, Carl. I guess we'll just wing it?" Jimmy said with a smile.

Carl returned the grin. "Yeah. Like always, Jimmy." The crowd began to cheer as the penultimate act came to a close.

"Wow, that Bolby sure is foreign! Give him a hand," principal Willoughby exclaimed cheerfully. "Now unfortunately, our original bookender, Libby Folfax, couldn't make it tonight due to medical reasons. She broke her hymen. But please give a warm round of applause for Jimmy Neutron and his unreasonably ripped and handsome father, the last act of the night!"

The crowd cheered as Carl and Jimmy walked out on stage. Jimmy started sweating profusely and felt like he was about to pass out. The crowd looked like it went on forever, and all eyes were on them. He looked over to Carl, who looked just as nervous as he did.

"Kiss me kiss me baby, put your tongue in my mouth!" the lyrics started blaring over the the speakers. The crowd started cheering hysterically when the song started, and everyone got up on their feet and started clapping their hands. The bass was so loud that it shook the stage. Jimmy frantically looked over to see Carl jumping and dancing to the best of his ability, and Jimmy followed suit.

Suddenly, he felt alive. For a moment, Jimmy forgot all of his worries and let his frustrations pour out onto the stage. He and Carl danced as if their lives depended on it. Jimmy leap-frogged over Carl, and Carl did a triple backflip that sent the crowd into a frenzy. Suddenly, bras and panties were showering the stage. Girls from the crowd were showing their breasts, and the sex in the air was so thick that you could almost taste it. Carl ripped his shirt off and launched it off the stage, and girls fought viciously over the garment. When the song finally ended, Jimmy ecstatically shouted "Thank you Lindbergh Elementary!" The crowd let out a deafening roar.

At first, Jimmy thought the crowd was cheering for them. He thought they were celebrating their triumphant performance. But as the screams continued, he noticed something was wrong. They were screams of fright. He looked over to Carl, who was clutching his chest and bleeding from the mouth. "Jimmy… run!" The crowd let out another roar of fright as Jimmy heard a gunshot blast and saw Carl fall backwards, blood erupting from his mouth and chest.


End file.
